ME Online - Match Reports

Hong Kong Cricket Club retained the coveted Hancock Shield against arch-rivals Kowloon Cricket Club in a tense two-day match played at HKCC on 4-5 December 1999.

Day One: KCC won the toss and elected to bat in cool and damp conditions (start delayed until 10:55AM due to overnight and early morning rain). KCC skipper Mark Eames opened the batting with HK Under 19 player Dyutesh Chaudhuri. Opening bowler Adrian Ashman got an early breakthrough, sending Chaudhuri back to the pavilion for a duck. That was HKCC's last success for a long time as Eames (132) and Rahul Sharma (124) put together an impressive 264 run stand for the second wicket. Both batsmen had little trouble with the HKCC attack, hitting a high percentage of boundaries on the small ground. Leg spinner Mal Costain was severely punished with his seven overs conceding 69 runs. He did however manage to break the partnership as Sharma holed out to a catch in the deep. Eames fell in next over and there was a flurry of wickets as the KCC batsmen tried to increase the run-rate and push for a decent total. Ravi Sujanani hit 39 in quick fashion before falling to veteran Gopal Lalchandani. KCC declared their innings closed after 66.1 overs with their score at 333-7. Lalchandani was the most successful bowler, claiming three wickets for 59 runs.

Stewart Brew and Jeremy Collard opened the batting for HKCC. Their partnership was broken at 13 when Collard chopped a ball from Adrian Baker onto his off-stump, shattering the bail. Tim Smart joined Brew and the two Hong Kong batsmen set about restoring the balance. Brew looked in good form, stroking the ball effortlessly to the boundary on numerous occasions. Smart on the other hand was showing dogged resistance against some tight KCC bowling and at one stage faced 32 consecutive deliveries without scoring. At the close of play, HKCC's total stood at 102-1 with Brew 69 not out and Smart 20 not out.

Day Two: With the prospect of further declarations being likely to force a result, the second day's play got underway in positive fashion with HKCC, still 230 runs in arrears, continuing their innings. It wasn't too long before KCC picked up the wicket of Smart for 33. John Powell hit 26 but it was Brew who held the HKCC innings together with an unbeaten 158. Jignesh Tailor bowled impressively after taking some early punishment from Brew and he was rewarded with figures of 5-103 off a marathon 18 overs. HKCC eventually declared their innings closed at 281-9.

Needing to force a victory in order to capture the trophy, KCC started their second innings with a bang. Openers Damian Green (62) and Chaudhuri (29) both scored freely at run-a-ball pace. When Chaudhuri fell, Ravi Sujanani came to the crease, and in what was some of the cleanest hitting ever seen at the Gap, scored a whirlwind 69 off only 24 balls, with his 50 being scored off only 15 balls. KCC declared their innings at 201-5 after only 24 overs, with Brew claiming late wickets to finish with the figures of 4-25.

Set 254 for victory in 45 overs, HKCC were rocked by a devastating opening spell from Adrian Baker who dismissed three of the top four batsmen, including the prize wicket of Brew. Smart remained and together with Anthony Booth took the score to 106 before Booth was dismissed for 33. This brought Adrian Ashman to the crease and after surviving a chance from his second ball, he set about the bowling in similar fashion to Sujanani - scoring 74 in 34 balls including 8 sixes and 5 fours. Smart took his score to 53 before he was the fifth man out. Ashman's innings, which came to a close with the total on 211, had given HKCC a sniff at an unlikely victory. As the overs ran down, KCC pressed hard for wickets and were rewarded with the scalps of Richard Nuttall (30) and David Dellor in quick succession. Lalchandani joined his skipper Mark Winstanley and the two defended stoutly, as the KCC fielders crowded the bat.

With his last throw of the dice, Eames gave Baker the ball for the final over. Lalchandani edged the fifth ball to the keeper and KCC were in with a chance for a dramatic victory. Mal Costain came to the crease and stabbed at the last ball, sending a very difficult chance to Damian Green at second slip but he failed to grasp it. HKCC finished on 226-9 and the draw ensured that they retained the trophy for another two years. Baker finished with the best figures of 4-82, whilst Erle Pereira claimed an impressive 2-8 from his eight overs on a day when the bat generally dominated the ball. Mark Eames was honoured with the Man of the Match Award for his brilliant century and astute captaincy which ensured an exciting game of cricket.

HKCC: Mark Winstanley, Stewart Brew, Jeremy Collard, Tim Smart, John Powell, Anthony Booth, Adrian Ashman, Richard Nuttall, David Dellor, Gopal Lalchandani, Mal Costain

KCC: Mark Eames, Ravi Sujanani, Rahul Sharma, Damian Green, Dyutesh Chaudhuri, TR Kalyanaraman, Erle Pereira, Jignesh Tailor, Adrian Baker, Sher Lama, Simon Scanlon

At HKCC: KCC 333-7 decl. (M Eames 132, R Sharma 124, R Sujanani 39; G Lalchandani 3-59) & 201-5 decl. (D Green 62, R Sujanani 69) drew with HKCC 281-9 decl. (S Brew 158*, T Smart 33; J Tailor 5-103) & 226-9 (A Ashman 74, T Smart 53, A Booth 33, R Nuttall 30; A Baker 4-82)

The much-awaited team is finally announced and circulated. I’m in, and also captain……!! Would have been nice to be asked, I thought. Never mind, an honour none-the-less, and the team looks quite useful. I think we can do something here.

The dependable Travis calls, seemingly the team is still not confirmed. Green doubtful, Faize doubtful, Sharma away. Not looking so positive suddenly!

Evening beer with the Brains Trust (Pittman, Green, Scanlon) Greenie can play, Faize still doubtful. Scanners doesn’t want to keep wicket, I don’t want to be captain. I suggest a swap, he decides to keep wicket.

In the afternoon it goes dark and rains hard (first rain for weeks). Forecast is not good. Wonder if I should bring my flight to SA forward?

Day dawns damp, though it seems to have stopped raining. At 'The Gap' the outfield is wet but the wicket dry. Chat with 'Teddy' Winstanley about the possibilities should it rain over the 2 days.

The weather looks unpromising but we agree to start as soon as possible. Win the toss and with the ball likely to be wet for a while, stick to the positive plan. Open with Dytesh and pleased he is positive enough to want the first ball. A little inexperience finds him on the back foot and trapped in front by opening bowler Adrian Ashman, in the first over. ‘Ash’ then surprises Rahul with an early bouncer which keeper Tim Smart fails to hang on to. A defining moment. We bat 40 overs to lunch for around 170 with few more alarms.

The weather’s brightened up and we agree to push on to a big score quickly (hopefully!). We both make hundreds but are out in quick succession, not helping our cause. Ravi chips in but Greenie, TR & Scanners are cheap victims of the chase and we falter slightly. We pull out just before tea at 333 to have a couple of overs at the Openers. ‘Teddy’ seems unhappy at their having to bat briefly but may have missed the point.

‘Brewie’ and Jez Collard survive but Beefy removes Collard early after tea catching him on the crease and bowling him via an inside edge. ‘Smartie’ comes in but ‘Brewie’ is taking change and starting to dominate, his timing good and, hitting with power he looked back to his best. He cleverly takes on Jiggy Tailor early and wins, not allowing him to settle. Earl is on bowling tidily and Jiggy recovers well but, although we work hard and mix it up, we’re looking something less than dangerous and these two bat through the session to reach 110-1. We needed another 3-4 wickets to progress our good start. We were disappointed with the result and are no longer running the game.

We need to bowl them out for a further 80 runs and make them bat again, or the game could die. The lads are up for it. The spinners still hold the key as the wicket is good and the ball soft. 'Brewie' remains in control however and moves to his hundred. We keep the field up, looking for wickets, and Ravi finally breaks through picking up ‘Smartie’ with his first ball. They are now well past the follow-on but we keep picking up wickets, Jiggy taking ‘5 For’ and TR taking 3 successive catches at mid-off. Several batsmen make a few and ‘Teddy’ eventually declares at 9 down 50 runs behind, at the lunch interval.

Get the lads together and give them the bad news. There are likely only 65-70 overs left in the day. On a fairly flat deck, we will have to score something like 200 in 20 overs and leave them a target of +/-250 in +/-45 overs, hoping that they accept the challenge and assist our efforts to bowl them out.

The guys are up for it again and respond magnificently. We ‘rest’ the century-makers from the first innings and ‘Greenie’ opens with Dytesh. After a couple of quiet overs the carnage begins. The youngster races to 30 with several sparkling drives and when he is out at 70, 9 overs have been bowled. We push Ravi up a slot and he responds outstandingly with a 15 ball 50. Greenie watches from the other end as boundary follows boundary. When Ravi is out in the 16th over, the score has raced to 160. ‘Brewie’ is now running in from the boundary to good effect and nips out 4 quick wickets. However a final flourish from Scanners and Rahul has us declaring at 201-5 in the 24th over.

The lads are bubbling as the game has opened up and the declaration gives us 6 overs at the Openers before tea. We have several around the bat as ‘Beefy’ races in and he rewards us immediately as the unfortunate Jez Collard mis-hooks back to him. Then the greatest prize as ‘Brewie’ mis drives to the skip at mid-off and the bad guys are 14-2. Immediately after tea Beefy adds John Powel caught behind and if a tight bat – pad shout off Anthony Booth had been upheld off Earl, they would have been 40-4. However he and ‘Smartie’ sensibly weathered the storm and although a little slow, they were still in the game. We now had Jiggy, Earl & Rahul in rotation with the odd 3 over burst from ‘Beefy’, however the softening ball now hindered him. Then Rahul had ‘Boothie’ caught behind, and Ravi who accounted for ‘Smartie’ again, keeping one low. ‘Teddy’ enterprisingly kept the game open by introducing ‘Ash’ to the crease and he responded in true ‘Botham-Edgbaston 1985’ fashion by belting his first 2 balls out of the ground. His shot / ball selection was excellent and though Rahul & Jiggy bowled tidily, his boundary count kept them in the game. We then attacked with Jiggy and kept it tight with Earl, and were rewarded with the wickets of ‘Nobby’ Nuttall, new boy Dave Dellor, and ‘Ash’ for what was almost a match winning 70.

Now, with 8 down, there was only one winner, but Gopal & Teddy held firm. Captaincy by democracy gave one final burst to ‘Beffy’ for what would be the last over. Four balls gone and Gopal survives, but gets a ‘Nick’ to the 5th and all but the skip think he’s out. Fortunately umpire Shredsby agrees and Gopal most reluctantly leaves. Mal Costain has to face the match deciding ball and, to the background hush gets a thick edge which files low to Greenie’s right. Barely a quarter-chance, the ball bounces away off hand and foot to safety and the game is drawn.

All the lads deserve the highest praise for their attitude and positive approach, particularly during the second half of the game.

CCC Sixes - 5th December 1999

Action from the CCC Sixes Teams from Kai Tak, HKU, KCC (2), Lamma, St George's, HKCC (2) and CCC entered the 1999 CCC Sixes played in fine conditions at Kowloon Cricket Club on 5th December 1999. The teams were split into three groups of three, with the group winners and best second placed team qualifying for the semi finals.

After a closely fought round robin competition, group winners were Kai Tak, St George's and HKU, with CCC qualifying as the next best team on a superior runs scored per balls faced ratio. In the semi-finals, HKU beat CCC and Kai Tak disposed of St George's in a controversial match, which saw one of their bowlers no-balled twice for chucking. In the final HKU racked up 64 runs and then restricted Kai Tak to 48 in their five overs.

St George's had the distinction of making the highest score of the day - 71. There were plenty of big sixes hit - one in particular that landed on the awards table (sending the scorers ducking for cover) and breaking the CCC Sixes Trophy. It is rumoured that when the HKU captain received the award, he was heard to ask "Can I have a new one?".

COC's XI v. President's XI - 18th September 1999
Result: COC's XI won by 29 runs

At KCC: COC's XI 161-9 (J Malhotra 56; T Johnsen 3-1, S Vachha 3-27) beat President's XI 132 (R Sharma 35) by 29 runs

The Interport between RBSC and the Austin (Road) Powers for the Labhamel Sachdev Trophy, was played on Saturday 19th June 1999 in wet and humid conditions at the RBSC Polo Ground. With results in recent clashes heavily favouring the KCC, it was not too much of a surprise that Dr Evil had put together a crew of Thailand Under 19 misfits, covertly playing under the guise of the RBSC (this made an interesting comparison to KCC's band of geriatrics, with Damian Green at 34ish the 'baby' of the team). And so it was that KCC got completely shagged (on the field anyway) in Bangkok...

Team skipper, James Middleton, playing in his 30th Interport match, loss the toss and in doing so effectively condemned the KCC to defeat. Unfortunately the pitch had not been adequately covered to protect it from an overnight downpour, so without hesitation, the RBSC captain asked KCC to don the pads and face up to the attack on a sticky wicket and very slow outfield. As an aside, it should be added here that this was the first occasion witnessed in which two tosses took place - the first to decide which team had the choice of batting or bowling and the second being between Adrian Baker and Graeme Jardine to decide the 11th playing position.

As Beefy trudged disconsolately towards the pool for a few hours R&R, Damian Green and Ray Brewster opened the batting, with Ray returning to the crease for the first time since breaking his forearm against the blistering pace of HKU's third change bowler. However the youthful RBSC bowlers held the upper hand from the opening salvo, with the ball plugging on the soft topped surface and bouncing disconcertingly off ~~a good~~ any length. Green was the first to go, attempting to smash a ball that never quite reached him and lobbing an easy catch to the covers. Mark Eames joined the fray and together with Brewster, played a couple of delightful shots before the wicket did Brewster as well.

Mike Trayford, playing in his last representative cricket match for KCC before returning to the UK, found that even his famous 'walking drive' was ineffective and he too was soon back in the pavilion having lobbed a simple catch back to the bowler. When Eames fell to an excellent diving catch on the covers, KCC had slumped to 30 for 4. That soon became 49 for 6 and questions on how early Patpong opened were soon being asked.

In strode Bharat Gohel and together with Yarman Vaccha, the two set about rebuilding the innings. If ever there was a time for COC to make a stand, this was it. Whilst the number of runs he scored was not many, Bharat's 29 not out came off 20 overs. His innings was not one of bludgeoning defiance nor elegant stroke play, but such was the nature of the pitch that his efforts were later rewarded with Man of the Match honours. Justification he says for 1986, when in the same fixture he took six wickets but failed to win the award. KCC's modest total of 109-8 off their 35 overs was not a great score, but with the pitch still holding some menace, hopes of a victory were still quite high.

That was until two things happened. Firstly, during the lunch break, the RBSC took liberty to use the heavy roller and after 20 minutes the life had effectively been rolled out of the wicket. The second was a chap called Luke. He only batted for four overs, but when he departed on the last ball of the fourth over, the RBSC score stood at 48 for 2, nearly half way to their target. After that, a victory to RBSC was all but a forgone conclusion. But there was action aplenty, as Roger Nissim will attest, as his first over included no less than 15 runs, two wickets, a dropped catch and a leg bye! (The first ball of this over saw the opening batsman run-out going for a fourth run.)

In the end, RBSC reached their target for the loss of five wickets and two overs to spare. Roger Nissim finished with the best bowling figures, claiming 3-25. The batting performance of the day (one must add that conditions had improved somewhat by the afternoon) came from Douggie Edwards with 48 not out. However he didn't win the Man of Match honour because he wasn't a member of the RBSC. Hang about…. I thought this was an Interport between KCC and RBSC? Jim?

At the RBSC Polo Ground: KCC 109-8 in (B Gohel 29*) lost to RBSC (D Edwards 48*; R Nissim 3-25) by five wickets.

KCC Team: James Middleton, Damian Green, Mark Eames, Ray Brewster, Mike Trayford, Graeme Jardine, Bharat Gohel, Yarman Vachha, Rob Wilkins, Roger Nissim, Tony Lethbridge.

Our hosts the RBSC put on their usual sumptuous dinner in the evening where speeches, trophies and stories of past tours were all exchanged in good humour. Unfortunately not all the cricketers made it to the evening function - one Mr Green looking decidedly off-colour as he left the Polo Ground. The function followed the footballers match at the racecourse, where Mike Trayford was doing double time, as were a number of cricketers who had missed the day's cricket fixture. Despite RBSC having the home town advantage (i.e. they weren't all hung over and had probably slept the night before), the KCC footballers put up a creditable performance but eventually the conditions and alcohol content in their blood streams took their toll and they succumbed by 2-1.

Sunday's cricket match was played by a motley crew of souls who had nothing better to do. The rest had decided to play golf, stay in bed or were still trying to find their way back to hotel from the previous night's debauchery around the dark alleys of Bangkok. We're not sure which camp the three footballers who had promised to play fall into, but KCC could only muster nine bodies when the toss was made at 11 o'clockish. Fortunately the stocks were boosted by a couple of youthful Thai lads, whose energy and youthful looks put the KCC outfit to shame.

The RBSC outfit batted first on a more docile Polo Ground pitch than the day before but could only scrap together a score of 103 in their 25 overs. Beefy Baker had a fiery opening over, inducing the opener to hook the last ball towards Jim Cannell, who took a splendid catch, only to have it be called 'no-ball'. Despite this effort, catching was one of a number of skills not ably demonstrated on this tour (though this may be disproved now that test results should be back for most of the footballers). Rob Wilkins, standing behind the stumps (for a reason the rest of us do not understand - we assume this was for tradition, something akin to Jim Middleton opening the bowling), managed to drop everything that hit his hands. After putting down two (or was it three) regulation catches in one over, he put himself out of his own misery by discarding the pads and trudging off to the third man boundary. Fortunately one of the young Thai lads stepped into the fold to help out.

In reply Ray Brewster and Travis Pittman opened the innings for KCC and put together a solid partnership of 48 in 10 overs, before Travis went walk-about and was stumped. Travis, it must be added, had only come to Bangkok at the eleventh hour, taking a break from a three-week stint in Kuala Lumpur, and had to borrow gear from other players. It is rumoured that since his return to Hong Kong he has joined Weight Watchers, after finding that he wears the same size clothes as Graeme Jardine.

What followed was something of a collapse, as wickets tumbled with monotonous regularity. Bharat could not repeat his deeds of the previous day and when the last line of defence Jim Middleton strode to the crease to join Roger Nissim, KCC still needed four runs for victory. As the field closed in around the bat, Roger unleashed his infamous hoik over mid-wicket and the game was won. We were happy for the victory, but more grateful that Jim had not hit the winning runs, otherwise we would never have heard the end of it….

Dramatis Personae (Part Deux): Ray Brewster, Travis Pittman, Rob Wilkins, Bharat Gohel, Jim Cannell, Adrian Baker, Jim Middleton, Tony Lethbridge and Roger Nissim

A full squad of Ravi Sujanani, Bharat Gohel, Eddie Tse, Roland To, Sher Lama and young Louis Chan embarked to defend the Shanghai Sixes Cup of which the inaugural tournament was won by us.

On arrival we found it was raining and on the morning of the start of the tournament it was still the same. The ground, which was a rugby field looked like a full test sized area but unfortunately the first day's play was restricted to indoor cricket, where the preliminary play-offs were played.

The Dragons had two games, both of which were won, surprisingly easily since none of us had ever played indoor cricket. One bit of advice though...never dive for a caught and bowled on a tennis court...it bloody hurts.

Having got into the Cup competition, we were drawn to play Shanghai and a good game outdoors ensued on a surface - yes believe this - of steel plates with coir matting on top. It wasn't too bad except for the "thunk" when the ball landed. Fielding first we were in control until the fourth over and Ravi's over was a bit expensive resulting in us having to chase 62... which on a full sized ground was a lot. Ravi and Lamma opened the batting and got us to within sight of the total but with 3 runs required off 4 balls, Bharat went in to get a golden duck. Fortunately Eddie and Ravi saw it through with one ball to spare.

So into the finals where we met Melbourne CC - who had two sides and we drew the stronger one of course. Winning the toss and batting first we could only mange 42 and the Melbourne Boys finished it off in something like 16 balls. Hence we ended up runners- up in the competition. Not bad considering the final was against professionals, past and present.

Stuart Taylor and Rob Formon did a great job in organising the event and Hong Kong Cricket Club were also present. The Official dinner was a great function at a Japanese Restaurant where many speeches were heard and a great auction of an autographed bat was conducted by Tony Melloy. Shanghai CC secured quite a few big named sponsorship and with their continued support this tournament can only get better.

Fincher Shield - KCC v. HKCC, KCC 6th April 1999
Result: KCC won by 108 runs

KCC: B Gohel (Captain) R Sharma, D Green, T Nimkar, R Sujanani, N Waters, S Scanlon (W.Keeper), S Lama, A Steward, S Khan, J Khan

HKCC: D Mallinson (Captain), S Brew, T Smart, A French, G Burdon, M Harris, M Parlane, W Ganesh, J Callow (Wicket Keeper), N Silby, M Costain

The annual game between the two Clubs has gone the way of the HKCC for a few years. They came to the KCC as holders of both the Hancock Cup which is played for at their ground and the Fincher Shield which is contested at Cox’s Road. This time round, despite a couple of notable absences in Messrs. Eames and Khan who had the paltry excuses of being on holiday and getting married respectively , the KCC was able to put out close to its strongest side. Similarly our rivals from up the Gap. After a rigorous selection process with the initial squad of 15 being whittled down by the neutral selectors, Middleton and Vachha (Yarman of course in case you thought the Cricket Committee had gone crazy) the team picked itself. The decision was made to play the extra batsman and let Simon Scanlon, keep, rather the veteran specialist Rob Gill.

Winning the toss on a beautiful day, Bharat decided to bat and the prolific pair of Sharma and Green started the proceedings. This was the first time they had batted together and they started carefully against the HKCC opening attack of Silby and Burden. Sharma gave a sharp chance to third slip which Dave Mallinson got his fingers to but that was the only hope the bowlers got as both went serenely on their way. Burden in particular bowled a very tight opening spell and continued to do so when he returned. One for 27 off his 10 were excellent figures on a very good batting track.

However just as Rahul was starting to shift into his top gear with some of his trademark shots against the leggie Costain, young Alex French got him missing a straight one and trapped him right in front. Sharma out for 56 when you would have got very short odds on him going on to complete yet another ton. The proceedings slowed down a bit but Damian kept going playing quite beautifully. Trupti kept finding fielders and went swiftly but then Ravi came in and supported Damian to a terrific hundred. Everyone chipped in and Nick waters played a delightful cameo, the CoC hit a 6 off his first ball, Lama a rapid 21 and Ravi went on to an excellent 50. 266 for 8 was thought to be about 40 runs short for comfort and the HKCC bowlers did well to peg the batsmen down. Ganesh took three and Brewie 2 but it was Burdens two tight spells and Frenchies trapping of the prize wicket of Grumpy that were especially praiseworthy.

Brew and Smart opened for the HKCC and the new ball was given to Jammy and Andy. Five tight overs from Andy, 1 for 31 off 8 for Jammy and 1 for 35 also off 8 for Faisi put the batsman right behind the clock. This set the scene for Sharma and Gohel to entice the batsmen into playing risky shots. The collapse began with Trupti taking a one handed catch over his head running in from the boundary which if he had stayed where he was he would have taken very comfortably with two. This off the bowing of Rahul. Then faced with the assortment of deliveries on offer from Bharat who as always used all parts of the wicket to bowl on and sometimes none at all to get his wickets and Rahuls subtle variations the rest of the batsmen succumb without much resistance and with some very good catching.. Nick came on bowl an over at the end and dropped one hit straight back at him to complete a memorable performance. All out for 158 and a comprehensive victory for the KCC.

The game was enjoyed greatly by yours truly who watched the entire proceedings in the company of Rodney Miles, the Chairman of HKCC and Tony Molloy their C of C. Both very gracious in defeat saying it was good for cricket that we won. Not half as good as it was for us. A long night in the bar followed. Next year we go and get the Hancock from up there.

( KCC 266 for 8, Green 104, Sharma 56, Sujanani 51, Lama 21. Brew 2 for 48, Ganesh 3 for 29) beat HKCC 158 (Brew 32, Mallinson 30, Smart 23, Sharma 4 for 39, Gohel 4 for 25) by 108 runs.

Andy: "What’s the batting order Bharat?"
Bharat: "White, Black, White, Black, White Black.

Yarman: " I’ve been playing cricket with Bharat for 32 years and I’ve never seen him take a wicket with a good ball."

Arti Nimkar (commenting on Trupti finding fielders with unerring accuracy): "I could make a necklace out of all these dots."

Brewie: " I couldn’t decide whether to chip the ball over Bharat or try and go past him."
Bharat: " It’s the first time anyone has been worried about where I’m fielding."

Yarman (On an HKCC bowler): "What’s he doing with two slips when he can’t spin the ball.
C. O’B: "Well you should know Yarman. You’re the expert on not spinning the ball."
Yarman: " I’ll have you know it takes a lot of skill not to spin the ball on a turning track."

Nick Waters to Andy Steward (after several hours in the bar): "Have you showered yet?"