Round 15

Crusaders v Witherers

Round 14

Tartars v St George's

Round 13

Saracens v Tartars

Crusaders v Police

Rescheduled Match

Colts v Yamano XI

Round 13

Infidels v Yamano XI

Colts v Scorpions

Round 12

Colts v Vagabonds

Templars v Scorpions

Round 11

Infidels v Vagabonds

Rescheduled Match - 23rd December 2001

KCC Colts v. Yamano XI at KCC
Result: Colts lost by 207 runs

No report received.

At KCC: Friends XI 377 (J Iqbal 50, M Ahmed 81, A Mahmood 69; D Ling 4-108, T Kwan 4-70) beat KCC Colts 170 (S Ali 37*; K Khan 5-53, T Malik 3-37) by 207 runs

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Round 13 - 16th December 2001

Infidels v. Yamano XI at KCC
Result: Infidels won by 2 wkts

I'm not too sure if the following qualifies as a match report but what the heck...

Early this morning at Le Meridien Mei Foo the phone rang...

Damian: That will be that poncy postulating pommy Pontius Pilate. Tell him i am not here. even better tell him I am at a wedding.
Alanna: Hello
Graeme: Hi Alanna
A: What do you want? Damian is not here he is at a wedding.
G: Funny time for a wedding
A: Graeme he goes to a lot of weddings. He averages 4 a week. he has a lot of friends you know.
G: Four a week that is better than his batting. Anyway it was you I was after. I get the feeling that he is not that happy about the wedding business.
A: What makes you say that?
G: Just some vibes. Anyway do you think he will take it into account when he selects the cricket team.
A: that's what he said.
G; How about I do you a deal but you must promise not to tell him. I don't think he is very stable.
A: What is your plan?
G: I will send him an invite but you must make sure he doesn't come. He is unbalanced and 'B' hates him. That will shut him up and I will still get a game. You must not let on though.
A: Sure - leave it to me. (hangs up)

D: What did that juxtaposing jewish jerk of a Judas say?

...... Alanna tells him everything

D: He will never play again.

Meanwhile at sleepy Sai Kung Delgate is deepening. The phone rings.....

Simon: Hello
Travis: Scanners it's Trav. Good win yesterday?
S: Yeah but that prat Green batted me at 8. The guy is not stable.
T: At east you're getting a game. The schizoid doesn't even pick me.
S: But you are going to the wedding
T: That is why I called. Mate, if we have any chance of playing after Xmas we have to pull the pin on Jardine's wedding. Make it look like we are sympathising with Green. He loves that loyalty stuff.
S: I'm with ya. I never liked Jardine anyway. Never smiles. As it happens Phil Glenwright is having a party same day that would be more fun.

Green's phone was also running hot. Here is a sample of the calls:

Williams: I am not getting married for ages mate but mum and dad are celebrating 40 years of marriage I will fix you up with an invite.

Toby White: Greeny couldn't fit you into the wedding list but I have a small stash of cocaine for you.

The Don: Skipper, I will lend you the videos of all my wedding nights and I am also planning to marry twice at least in 2002 so you will be first cab off the rank for both of these.

At KCC: Infidels 202-8 (R Lamsam 43, M Eames 53; Arif 3-53) beat Yamano XI 197 (S Malik 46, M Khalid 30; I Farcy 3-53) by 2 wkts

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KCC Colts v. Scorpions at HKCC
Result: Colts lost by 6 wkts

No report received.

At HKCC: Scorpions 133-4 beat KCC Colts 132 (Y Mahtani 32; G Erasmus 4-38, A Smith 3-2) by 6 wkts

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Round 12 - 9th December 2001

KCC Colts v. Vagabonds at Mission Road
Result: Colts lost by 101 runs

No report received.

At Mission Road: Vagabonds 200 (C Coombes 34, T Graban 46*; M Cowley 3-25) beat KCC Colts 99 (B Hussain 5-45) by 101 runs

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Templars v. Scorpions at KCC
Result: Templars lost by 70 runs

No report received.

At KCC: Scorpions 178-8 (D Mallinson 37; M Zubair 3-48, S Lama 3-48) beat Templars 108 (F Khan 42; A Smith 3-21, G Erasmus 4-51) by 70 runs

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Round 11 - 2nd December 2001

Infidels v. Vagabonds at Mission Road
Result: Infidels won by 1 wicket

I have had writer's block.This has made life very difficult. Please bare with me and forgive me for being so tardy. There has been no pre match no profile and this report is unforgivably late You can't sew a button on writer's block, you can't see it, you can't touch it, you can't feel it but it is there.

You guys wouldn't know because except for The Brown Bear you are not writers. Nick Waters would know he has had The Block for all his adult life that is why he reads the news because he can't write can he. Nick has The Block.

You will have guessed by now that I am over it which is nice because the pen has been mightier than the bat for me this season.

In this match The Great Eagle had the rug pulled out from under by the man who lives at The Great Eagle. There are question marks regarding The Barnacles sanity. No there aren't. He is mad. While he was batting us to an unlikely victory a vote was taken as to whether the Barnacle has a violent past. All hands were raised. Later as he modestly toasted himself he admitted to having had the blood of others on his hand and on his axe more than once. The unlikely marriage of The Barnacle and The Unhappy One gave us all cause to wonder. Indeed it is the subject of my next competition.....Who is angrier out of The Barn and The Jardine.

We inserted The Bonds and allowed for 170 for The Butt in our calculations. He fell 3 short and they proved to be vital. In getting his 167 he set fire to the whole team in the form of running them all out. He is a jack of all trades the old Butt but his running needs urgent help. He torpedoed the whole show. For Tasmanian readers Butt (167 off 115 balls) is an amah. An amah is a maid , a helper , a domestic , a nanny. Sadly he gets w/ends off and he is one of the few maids capable of blasting 150+ scores and taking wickets. Not a lot of washing was done at The Glenwright's house this weekend and I hazard a guess that it was KFC for dinner.

Why did I put them in? My maid , like yours I am sure doesn't do a thing before midday and I was hoping to catch him napping. I was half right . His first fifty odd were less than a run a ball and not coincidentally it was the stroke of noon when he put on that figurative little black frock and hitched up his figurative britches and set about his work of the day. The next 120 came off 50 balls.

Digressing for a while I cannot understand why The HKCA are spending all that money and effort developing the local juniors in the hope of a test team of Chans. I have a better idea. Open the game up to the maids for goodness sake. There are nigh on a million of them. There must be more Butts out there. Stick up a billboard with his picture on it and a caption "come and play with me girls". Let us dedicate a Sunday where we open our clubs up to The Amahs. We can call it "let's see if our nanny's can catch day".

The Butt smashed us everywhere. Saqulain was umping and he loves watching The Butt bat . He loves it so much that he refuses to entertain appeals against him. "Howzat?" "Not out." "What was it missing?" "Leave him alone it is his day off." There is only one thing that The Sack loves more than The Butt's batting and that thing is me. The Sack loves me, it is patenly clear and that love is returned threefold. Having said that I was taken aback when very shortly after the dismissal of The Butt, The Sack announced that he was off. There was no reason given but I suspect it was something like this. The Butt said to The Sack........... "Hey Sack can you do me a favour. I think I left the iron on could you nick home and check....oh yeah Sack while you are then , there is a pile of washing on the sideboard and could you peel a few spuds."

Don bowled beautifully. He has also asked me to lower his profile in this column. I said no. He wants a lower profile because he is courting number 3 isn't he. On the subject of the wedding he promised to get hitched on a Monday and be back from his honeymoon by Sunday so as not to let us down. He may have a bit of explaining to do at home(s) though. I think it is a bit bleedin' previous of The Don to confide this information to me and then ask me to keep a lid on it. I say to you Donny there are no safe harbours for Infidels. For me to stay silent would be like giving Shiroy a huge creamy Sundae on a Monday and telling him not to eat it until Wednesday. It won't happen. You live by the sword Donny.

We recruited The Jam. The man is a mountain. I'm sure that old country song "Big John" was written for The Jam..........'at the bottom of this pit lives a big big man...Big Jam'. I am not sure if it is the same pit where Nick Waters spent most of his childhood. That may be stretching it.

I had a late night call from The Strawb spruiking the success of The Scorps. He is a confused little red fruit at the moment. He didn't bat or bowl for them and I have guaranteed him a fair go with us. The money is there and the papers are drawn up. He wants to come. So why is he confused? I threw in a late clause in his contact didn't I. ......with the trend towards cricketing amahs it would be advantageous if a new recruit had above average skills in the performing of household tasks..... The Strawb must iron 12 pairs of Shiroys trousers and whip up a batch of blueberry muffins which must pass the Vacha taste test. How will The Strawb go?

Overall our fielding was good. Two pieces of work are worth a mention.

Joe Nobody was batting and it was last ball of the over so I sent the field back to let a single in the hope of briefly avoiding Cyclone Nanny. The Barnacle was reading from a different script. At long on The Barnacle was dancing with himself. Amazingly Joe Nobody dribbled one to long on but the music was still playing for The Barn. He waltzed in and made a token effort at the barely moving ball and missed it. It dribbles past which meant they would get 2. I thought. But The Barnacle's song was still playing. Before he felt the need to get the ball he did a little docy doe and a couple of steps from the fox trot and then set off. Meanwhile at long off Ravi was getting a massage from Dave Arthur. He watched disbelievingly the performance of The Barn and finally broke free from The Doc's clutches and headed for the dribbler. The Barn and The Candel arrived at the same time and Ravi kicked it over for 4. I was tickled pink.

The other memorable piece of work was from G for Grumble. He took 3 stonking catches but it was the one that got away that is worthy of note. He launched himself parallel to a Butt bullet. He didn't catch it but he stopped the 4. It was the landing on the concrete in front of the pavillion that took all the skin off his body. He got up and without even dusting off he launched a tirade of abuse at the spectators for clapping a misfield.

All bowlers stuck to the plan and 257 was reachable. Our top order didn't fire with the exception of a brave and bloodied Jardine. Long hops accounted for half the team. Jardine with White and then Barnett righted a seriously listing ship and maintained the rate in the process. The partnership that got us over the line was The Candel and The Barn. Ravi had earlier been sniped for sure. However I suspect the sniper is running low on cash. He could only afford enough poison for 3 hours and as the effect wore off The Candel lit up The Tin Kwong. A cracking 50. The shot of the match being a chip over the keeper for 4 whilst simultaneously ordering a coffee from that little shop at the baseball pitch. The Barn held firm and finished 80 n.o with the winning 6 struck with 2 balls and 1 wicket in hand. Another doddle.

You will be pleased that I am free of The Block and with this the runs must surely flow.

At Mission Road: Infidels 261-9 (G Jardine 45, A Barnet 80*, R Sujanani 51; S Ahmed 4-33, B Hussain 4-78) beat Vagabonds 257 (B Hussain 167; J Mohammad 4-56) by 1 wkt

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