The Best of 1998-99
Mark Eames - 119* v. Merchants Damian Green - 111 v. Witherers Mark Eames - 109* v. Lamma CC Travis Pittman - 103* v. Mainlanders Ray Brewster - 101* v. CCC Roger Nissim - 5 for 26 v. Police Award Winners Mark Eames - Best Saturday Batsman Damian Green - Most Runs on Saturday |
1998-99 Other Teams: Saracens | Tartars | Dragons | Infidels | Templars
Fixtures/Summary of Results Saturday League
Saturday Cup/Plate
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Jim Middleton What can be said about Jim that he hasn't already told you? Just don't mention toothbrushes, or thermal imaging, or night vision equipment, or Mossad, or - basically don't open your mouth unless you have a spare hour - or two. His fielding "technique" must be seen to be fully appreciated: a half bend from the knees followed by a robotic descent of the right hand has an unbelievable success rate - considering the eyes are usually closed. Not the safest pair of hands, but he seldom drops them off his own bowling. But let's not mention his bowling (fastest bowler in south-east Asia, Colony regular for 18 years, stalwart of innumerable ICC tournaments etc etc) because it's much more fun to talk about his batting or umpiring. Suffice to say that the Chairman of the Umpires Association gives his labrador a well-deserved day off when in the middle, and hasn't used his white stick since baby Alexandra confused her dad by moving it from its customary location! Andy Steward Andy has never recovered from losing the self-styled tag "KCC's most attractive man" to Chris Williams, rendering useless years of preening himself in front of the mirror and polishing up his chat-up lines. This naturally has had an adverse effect on his cricket, turning Andy from a genuine all-rounder (again, his description) to a bits-and-pieces player, whose bowling is falling to pieces and whose batting has gone to bits. Andy provides more entertainment with his running between the wickets, having eschewed the MCC coaching manual in favour of the Damian Green school of cricket. Talking of MCC, Andy is proud possessor of a sleeveless bacon and egg coloured sweater, and is already proving the old adage that there's always one to the man in the poncey pullover! Tony Lethbridge The veteran of the Crusaders, Tony trained for the stage at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Art. Unable to bring up his family on a thespian's uncertain wages, Tony installs kitchens by weekday and performs on the cricket field at the weekend. His appeals for LBW are legendary (a cross between Shane Warne on one knee and the Ayatollah Khomeini denouncing the Great Satan) and his ability to pass himself off as various other people - Rod Eddington and Bruce Yardley spring to mind - is testimony to his theatrical background. Acting plays a great part in Tony's cricket: he has perfected the ability to bowl spin without ever spinning it, he bats as if leading his men into battle as Henry V, and his piece de resistance - issuing the non-striker with a warning for backing up when he hasn't even left the crease - has played to full houses throughout the world. Tony shows no fear or favour to anyone: he hates all opponents equally. But particularly if they wear poncey stripy hats and talk with la-di-da accents, fly planes for a living, or come from all points south of the Tibetan plateau. Mark Eames Known to his team-mates as Eamesie or Steaders, Mark is a rebellious character who is liable to fly off the handle at the slightest provocation. He is single-handedly responsible for the recent introduction of a yellow and red card system after a series of ill-disciplined displays on the field, in the children's playground and in the bar. Offences include refusing to win games for Crusaders by opening every week and disputing his captain Middleton's field placings. A recent show of dissent resulted in his appearance before a disciplinary hearing, who acquitted him only after he had produced video evidence that appeared to support his thesis that having everyone back on the boundary when the opposition need five an over to win is perhaps unwise. Mark dismisses rumours that he works in the paper industry as "pulp fiction" and insists his family moved to Cox's Road because of his wife's job. Sarah is a full-time housewife. Mike Trayford Long a part of the furniture at KCC, Mike and family return to England in the summer and will be sorely missed - but not by everyone. As a Chelsea supporter, Mike is old enough to remember the last time the Blues won the League. Many managers have come and gone since, Mike recalls, and Stamford Bridge may have been redeveloped, but Ken Bates is still the chairman. As the advancing years have left their indelible mark on Mike's playing powers, so too has his contribution as team kit-man diminished. Players this season suffered the indignity of having to buy their own shirt for the first time this decade. It is sad to think that Hong Kong will never again witness the famous Trayford walking drive, though perhaps not a wholly bad thing, as this season has seen the ball find the middle of the wicket more frequently than the middle of the bat. Damian Green It is seldom indeed that one man can make such an enormous impact in his first season in Hong Kong cricket. But then again Damian is no ordinary man - he is a Tasmanian. Having built up a huge virtual fan club through the Members End website, Green may now be seen on other less salubrious sites after an incident in Jordan MTR station during which he unaccountably became detached from his trousers. These photos reveal a worrying amount of fur on his hind quarters and a pouch-like accoutrement on his abdomen. Scientists who at first suspected they had discovered the missing link now believe they have identified the first known human-wallaby cross. Although further research is needed, fieldwork already undertaken has thrown up some interesting observations that support their hypothesis. The peculiar rolling gait owes much to marsupial influence, as does the habit of falling over after drinking copious quantities of Foster's, Carlsberg, Chardonnay, Jacob's Creek, Dow's Port, Champagne, methylated spirits, etc. But unlike your average marsupial, Green can bat a bit. Unfortunately, he also thinks he can bowl. Graeme Jardine When Jardine arrived in Hong Kong recently his reputation preceded him - and he really is that tight. The peculiar mix of Scot and Semite manifested itself famously on a recent visit to the Holy Land. Graeme was aghast when he found it cost fifty pounds an hour to rent a boat on the Sea of Galilee. "Goodness gracious, my son," he said, "anywhere in Scotland would be cheaper!" "Perhaps," said Yitzhak, "but remember, the Sea of Galilee is the water on which our Lord walked." "At fifty quid," exclaimed Jardine, "it's nae wonder he walked!" Seldom seen without his spiritual mentor, Rabbi Nissim, Graeme is trying hard to come to terms with the demands of Hong Kong life in general and cricket in particular. Running out of excuses for his poor form with the bat finally forced Jardine to show his true mettle as an aggressive left-hander. His combination of long hops and full tosses have also proved too much for a number of batsmen, several of whom have subsequently hit the bottle and one of whom (a former Hong Kong representative) has retired from the game at the tender age of 28. Roger Nissim The Rabbi incurred the wrath of his local synagogue after they discovered he had been playing cricket on Saturdays. He was formally charged with 'Toiling on the Sabbath' after the Chief Rabbi viewed a video of Roger following up three consecutive golden ducks with one over of medium pace that went for 19 at Mission Road. Now in his early fifties, Roger achieved hero status among Trailwalker enthusiasts when he completed the gruelling 100 km course in just 18.5 hours. He stresses that any connection between his feat and the introduction of compulsory drugs testing the following year is entirely co-incidental. Roger has recently branched off into sports spectacles design after the phenomenal success of his industrial goggles prototype. Sadly the project ground to a halt when it was discovered that a key component of the design were the environmentally-friendly clamps that prevent slippage during warm weather. However, this defect may have been remedied as rumours have recently swept the financial district that Roger has taken out a patent on his own eyebrows. Nick Waters Nick's status as a serious journalist took a hammering when he was suspended without pay after wearing a corduroy jacket and matching tie to read the news last year. ATV's hotline was bombarded with calls from irate viewers, both of whom complained that their TV sets had switched themselves off in protest. ATV's recorded message retorted by saying that if they really wanted to see poor taste they should watch Macau Racing at Dawn or, better still, tune in to the Chinese Channel. Nick's affable manner has seen him bounce back to present sports wraps in which he does his best to compete with the weather-girl who wears the extremely short skirts. His rehabilitation with studio bosses was almost complete when he rushed to the set straight from net practice and did his bit kitted out in pads and wielding a cricket bat in place of the customary pencil. When asked to explain himself, Waters did himself no favours by saying that he was trying to improve his technique and work the ball off his legs. Baffled executives were heard to be muttering "Chi Sin Gweilo" under their breaths as they climbed into their Mercedes. Travis Pittman The undisputed HTML king of Kowloon, "Dave Lee" Travis gave up his lucrative job with a world-famous courier company ('Don't just send it, DLT it!') to design web pages for various organs in Hong Kong, of which Members' End just happens to be the most prestigious. Travis' other main hobbies are looking after baby Zoe and leading Tasmanians astray in Lan Kwai Fong and Wan Chai - usually on the same night. A Kiwi, Travis was brought up playing shots all round the wicket and still does. The only trouble is, they all end up going through mid wicket. This is what comes of years batting for Crusaders with John Tedd and the Rabbi at the other end. Hugh Tyrwhitt-Drake "Hyphen" as he is known to all is an inveterate writer, who graduated from writing angry letters to the South China Morning Post to penning match reports for Members' End. His match reports now reach a world-wide audience, estimated at around seven, including his Mum in Virginia Water and the Rabbi's aged mother in Golders Green. Rumours have it that they also reach Tasmania, but available evidence suggests that they are not actually read there, as literacy levels remain below those even of Chad. Hyphen is now a fixture at Number 10 (he cannot regress much further while Middleton remains in the team), which is a source of great sorrow to his legion of fans who remember the slice through gully. Hyphen makes up for his lack of contribution with the bat with his "bowling". No one is saying that he actually throws it, but cries of "No Ball!" accompany every delivery and he turns down net practice in favour of a pint and a game of darts. Hyphen is a protégé of the Lethbridge school of appealing: once registering 120 dbs and receiving a warning from the Urban Services Department. David Arthur If Sir David Brettell was "slow David", then Dr David Arthur is "catatonic David". His lope around the boundary has been mimicked by many but never bettered. No one looked more astonished than David when he held a blinding one handed catch a few seasons back. Still, he hasn't let it become a habit. You couldn't go as far as to say that he's never hit the ball off the square, but pigeons that normally graze on the outfield actually encroach onto the playing strip when David is at the crease. Despite going by the title of "Doctor" and working in the field of Health Sciences, David is not the man to go to if you have a headache or need an emergency appendectomy. He says his PhD has absolutely no practical value except to enable him to travel to exotic locations at the taxpayer's expense. Just like real doctors, come to think of it. Except they get put up by the drug companies. Recently traded to Tartars. Rob Wilkins "Ben" is the only player in the team who can rival David Arthur for slow play. After blocking in excess of 30 balls at Mission Road, Ben was actually nicked by the local constabulary for loitering with intent. His century in the Cup last season for Sunday side Barbarians is notable for the fact that no one who wasn't there believes it actually happened. The even stranger thing is that even his team-mates on the day can't remember the innings, making it very possibly the first 100 scored in a mirage! When not playing cricket, Ben may either be found doing the scoring or commentating on Olympic hockey with the Rabbi (who provides the Yiddish translation). In his spare time Ben heads up the local office for a well-known Parisian parfumier. When buying soap for his wife once, the shop assistant asked him if he would like it scented. Rob replied: "No. I'll take it with me." Such is the wit of the modern CEO. Todd Johnsen The first Swede to represent the club at cricket, Per-Ulrik has brought a distinctive Scandinavian flavour to the Crusaders. With a showflat from IKEA and the definitive ABBA collection, Johanssen (adorned in the obligatory blue and yellow face paint) leads the Swedes' Barmy Army on the tennis courts of Hong Kong. Indeed, Per-Ulrik moonlights as a tennis coach, deservedly famous in local circles for taking on anyone of whatever ability so long as she is either good looking or rich, or preferably both. Sadly, Johanssen's prowess with the bat does not match that with the racket. In the six games he played in 1998, he managed a total of 0 runs at an average of - you guessed it - nought. Ray Brewster Brewbags, as he is known to his legion of devoted fans, burst onto the local cricketing scene when he arrived as an émigré from Queensland during the last gold rush. One of a select handful of players to have played international cricket across five decades, Ray for one can't wait for the millennium in order to make that six. Highlights of his career include fending off Larwood and Voce on the Bodyline Tour of '32-33 and stumping W.G. Grace off Sidney Barnes at the now defunct White City. Brewster's nickname "Oscar" owes much to a propensity to take magnificent one-handed catches and breathtaking leg-side stumpings when the cameras are present, but to fluff the easiest chance as soon as they depart. Still, as long as it's off Middleton's bowling, you won't find too many Crusaders complaining. A game is not complete without an injury to Raymond, who is currently sponsored by Elastoplast. He sparked off a bidding war among sunblock companies when he announced that he was looking for new sponsors for next season. Ray is generally an abstemious type, but seldom refuses a good red wine, or three - so long as you're buying.
The following is proffered with sincerest apologies to W.S. Gilbert and Arthur Sullivan, who will both be turning in their graves. To be sung to the tune of the First Lord's Song from HMS Pinafore.
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